Chris Baer's Answer to the Zombie Question

Question: To Reference Zombie Question Please go to www.matthewlowrance.blogspot.com , Basically the question posed is : If you could have one sidekick and a weapon, who and what would they be to help fight zombies?

Chris Baer.....my brother............had the following answer to said question

Answer: Zeus and a stick of lipstick (Cosmetic Category: Ambrosia Twilight). Implementation of Person and Weaponry: Step 1: Sacrifice livestock and promise first born to Apollo (Archer god of Olympus), preferably a fatted animal of some kind, any kind (Except ermines. There are only so many ermines that can be blood-fucked until it starts getting ho-hum.) Step 2: After you have gained Apollo's trust, subtly bring up the fact that you have a mother who's on dialysis and she's self-conscious about her complexion under the institutional lights of the hospital, and that what she really needs is a once-over with some sort of heavy-grade cosmetic, lipstick perhaps (wink wink). Wait for Apollo to pick up on subtle hint, after which he should bring up the fact that he lives in an infinite reality where such cosmetics exits. "Oh really?" You say, playing it cool, pretending not to give a crap about such trivial matters. "Yeah," Apollo would answer. "In fact I could score you some right now. Zues's wife, Hera, has got a butt-load of Ambrosia Twilight lipstick at her pad as we speak. I could zoom back up to Olympus and score some off her right now. She owes me one, anyway. I took the fall after he caught her in bed with Hercules a few years back. It took me twenty-seven days and nights to convince that ornery fuck that I was the one that was astraddle Hercules with the tortoise-shell strap on. I had to bribe Sleep and Wind to back me up. It was embarrassing." "Whatever," you say, shrugging your shoulders, still playing it cool. Step 3: After lipstick is acquired from Apollo, break in zombie's wardrobe. Take zombie's buttoned-shirts from teakwood (Neiman Marcus grade) hangers and proceed to rub Ambrosia Twilight lipstick on the collars. Take one shirt home. Step 4: Summon Zues through more animal sacrifices and first fruits (Ermines accepted. Zues isn't picky). Once Zues is summoned, show Zues the zombie collar and inform him that it is hard to fall asleep at night because of all of the thumping and moaning coming from the downtown cemetery. Zues sees that it is Ambrosia Twilight and goes absolutely ba-fuckin-nannas. "Don't kill the messenger," you say, backing up a step. Zues doesn't even acknowledge your presence. "I've been cuckolded!" he yells. Zues zooms down to the cemetery, finds the zombie, and jams a lightning bolt the size of a 747 Boeing sideways up its ass. You lay back, crack a beer, and watch the fireworks. Your mission and is complete, and you're up one collared shirt.