I'm Going To Be an Usher...Oh My!!!!

I recently was asked to be an usher at one of my good friends weddings. I will not say Fred Eck's name on account I don't want his name associated with anything I write, in case he loses his job and needs a new one in the future. In any event, I just wanted everyone to know that I am probably going to be the most important person at Fred's wedding. I come to this conclusion because I am smart and want a really good present. I was doing some research on the type of present an usher can expect to recieve for ushering, I came accross that "a nice way to thank them for all their help is to present them with a gift of engraved cufflinks at the rehearsal dinner or sometime before the wedding" I'm not saying I'm going to turn down engraved cufflinks, because god knows there are people in China that would kill just for one engraved cufflink. I don't want to be one of those people, but I feel beings I have the most important job, and this is true because I stated that in the begining of this post, thus making it fact, that I deserve the best and most expensive of gifts.

I don't think I am asking for to much. Think about what I have to do as opposed to everyone else(I am also assuming I am head usher, making me the boss of Chad) I have to arrive at my job (a.k.a. the ceramony) up to an hour early. I didn't even arrive to my own wedding that early. I have to make sure to seat all these people on the right sides. Fun fact, did you know there are two sides a "brides side" and a "grooms side" That's double the work of seating people. This is rediculous. I don't even think slaves (a.k.a. black people) had to work that hard. That's like asking a slave to pick two completely different cotton fields, one hundred miles apart, after having asked them to show up an hour early to work on Christmas. Do you get the picture I'm painting? Ushering is hard work, slave work, and I don't think I'm out of line when I ask for a present and a deposit on my labor that I will be giving for free. I mean I'm already showing up for work an hour early, don't you think I'm worth it. I do.

Anyway, the point I'm making is I just want a little recognition, a deposit, engraved cuflinks, power over Chad, a slave, and if it's no to much a thank you card. I just want my friend Fred to know how much I appreciate him and that is why I am willing to do this thankless job for nothing, and by nothing I mean for something.

I LOVE YOU FRED

Bangkock Dangerous Review

You wanted it, now I'm delivering what was supposed to be one of the biggest blockbusters ever. I watched this movie off my xbox, and I must say I originally thought it was a porn(imagine my disappointment...when life hands you lemons...jerk off). It wasn't, coincidentally the only redeeming value of this film was a boobie shot about midway through. Other then that, it lacked story, entertainment, and more boobies. I know a lot of my friends are not huge Nicolas Cage fans, but I for one like the guy. He starred in one of the best movies of all time, Raising Arizona, and for that role he will always be considered an "A" list actor. Anyway, I won't even bore you with the details of what this movie was about, it's that boring. If Clint Baer says something is boring, most likely it's very boring. Although, I do recommend you watch it just so you can see the boringness of it, except for the boob shot that I mentioned earlier........Bangkok Dangerous, is that seriously the best title they could come up for this movie? I mean it got me to watch it, but they should have named it Bangkok Dangerously Boring, something more true to what the movie is. Anyway, let me end by recommending you watch this film.....once.

When Life Hands You Lemons

I really have had nothing to write about lately. I keep seeing my brother post magical, fantastical things(e.g. Charles Dickandnuts P.H.D.), and I have nothing. I really didn't think this blog stuff through. I didn't realize how little I had to say.....mmmm. What to talk about? What's going on in my life......oh I remember....none of my friends called me on my birthday. My birthday is the day that I burst out of my mothers vagina. I remember as if it were yesterday. Sometimes, when I'm looking at porn(which is rare) I often gander at the soft, suptle lips of a ladies vagina and birthday memories come flashing to me. To think that I burst into this world through one of those vaginas. I thank God, when I get the chance, that I was born vaganally and not by cesarian(which is the gay way to be born). I really pity cesarian babies, because when they watch porn they can never have birthday memories. They need to watch a slasher film, or a stomach staple operation to have a flash back of their day of birth.......fags. Anyway, I'm losing my train of thought...where was I......oh yeah....when life hands you lemons....no not their yet...my moms vag "j" "j"....wait I better quit while I'm ahead. Here's the kicker to my story, when life hands you lemons make lemonade. Also, post note, that I came out of a vagina, and sucked on tit milk when I was born. All on the first day of life. Pretty amazying stuff. Namely don't forget the lemonade advice though, everything else was just filler.

It's Time to Pick a Movie...Oh Joy

Every year around this time I get a chance to make my friends watch a movie that they would more than likely never watch in their entire lives. I like to watch bad horror movies, but as it turns out not everyone shares this passion of mine. This year I will be choosing a movie from a list that I found on the web. If anyone feels like commenting...speak now or forever hold your peace.

They're Here

FAN IT UP

I can't possibly be anymore excited about my beloved Hornets than this year. They arguably have the best starting line up in the league with CP3(best point in the league), Peja(purest shooter in the league), David West(possibly the most important person to the team other than CP3), Tyson Chandler (got him from Chicago and has paid dividends, I believe he lead the league in offensive rebounds last year), and rounding out the starting five will either be Morris Peterson(aquired from the Raptors last year) and or Posey (aquired from the Celtics this year) both make a solid start at the 2 spot.

The only thing that worries me is their bench, they had a shakey bench last year and another one this year. Well I guess it's more a shallow bench than a shakey one. Their biggest bench contributor from last year was Jenero Pargo who went on to play ball in europe this year. A few standout bench players are Mike James(solid back up for CP3, but no Pargo) Julian Write (arguably the most athletic player on the team).....they really don't have much backing up Chandler or West....if one of those guys goes down the hornets would be in big trouble.

All in all I feel they have a competive edge this year with their youth and talent. If they don't win the championship this year than I beleive they will be in contention for years to come. One thing I know for sure is they are going to put on a show. CP3 and Chandler led the league by far with alley oops, and if that's not entertaining enough then let CP3 dazel you with his "skill", or David West play the 4 spot how it should be played with one of the most accurate mid range jumpers as well as some of the most powerful post up moves in the game. The scary thing about Chris Paul is that he isn't even fully developed as a player(he's 23). I can't even imagine him at the peak of his career. This year they have more games being televised than probably the last 5 or more years combined...I have no proof of this, but as a fan I don't remember their games getting televised....at least not since Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning left the team.

In any case..if your not a fan of the NBA then I encourage you to watch a game or two this year, it's one huge sports soap opera and I love it. I feel like I am in third grade again which is when I got into the Hornets. I admit the league had been in a lull, but I really believe they have cleaned up the game quite a bit, and there are stars again as well as a ton of rivalry games. To me there is no other league more entertaining than the NBA.

Quick Movie Reviews

As I get ready to head towards Gaylord Michigan, I am thinking to myself "self, I might not make it back". So in the event that this is indeed my last blog, I would like it to be something people can remember me by........and that is with some quick movie reviews...in case you get bored and want to watch a movie this weekend. You all can think had Clint not given his life up for a trip to Gaylord Michigan, then I probably would have never watched "to be named movie". So, here we go, my quick to the point movie reviews...

1)Death Race
If your the type of person that takes movies literally and can't suspend reality then this movie isn't for you. If you like hard action, cars, violence then this movie is for you. This would not be a waste of time if you only had a few hours to live.

2)Ritiouse Kill
You would think with a killer cast this movie is a can't miss. You would be wrong. If I was about to die and watched this movie, I probably would have died at some point in the movie from boredom. Probably within the first 15 minutes. Do not waste your time with this movie.

3)Burn After Reading
I'm not saying just anyone is going to like this movies. But, if you like the Cowen brothers, which I do, then more than likely you will love this movie. Some of you might be disappointed with their last movie, namely for the ending, but this ending is a must see and might be their best ending to any movie they have made. I will go as far as to say that the ending might be one of the best ever. I for one am glad I took time out of my life before my death to watch this movie.

4)American Carol
I went in already leaning to the right, and thought this movie was a can't miss. I was wrong, the humor was lame, the points were kind of a stretch.....it's kind of hard for me to recommend this movie when Bill Oreilly is the funniest thing in it. But since I lean to the right I will say beyond a shadow of a doubt this is the best most funny movie of the year. A must see before anyone dies. In fact I will go on a limb and say you can't get through the pearly gates without watching this movie.

5)Eagle Eye
I would like to give an accurate review of this movie but I kept falling in and out of sleep. If you watch this movie, you will probably say to yourself "man I should watch Death Race" So, you should probably save yourself the regret and watch death race. Don't take that as me not recomending this movie, which I'm not, take it as me saying that Death Race is awsome, which I am. What movie am I reviewing, oh yeah Eagle Eye, it's watchable....probably better wait til dvd or dollar theater, but if you think you might die on a trip to Gaylord Michagan watch it before the trip and pay a full ticket price.

Well, I'm hope this helps everyone decide what to waste your valuable time. I hope I make it back from Gaylord Michigan.......I can't believe I'm going to Gaylord Michigan......hell yeah I'm buying a shirt.

My Room Smells Like Pickles-(A True Story)

Chapter 1

The setting is Southwest Missouri State University

The year is 2000

My Name is Clint Baer and the story I'm about to tell you is true. The names and places have not changed, because I want the truth be told.

It's my first week of college, I was very underwelmed by the people and activities the school had to offer me. I tried this club, went to a bbq at some Greeks house, but still nothing sparked in me. It was like I had this void that needed to be filled. I attended some stuff that the Catholic Campus Community was sponsering, and I was attending one of their bbq's when I met "her". I was casually eating my corn on the cob when "she"(who shall be named later) introduced herself. "Hey, my name is Sarah(this is not what she will be known by later)" I responded "nice to meet you , my name is Clint". There was about a minute of awkward silence, I then said "I think I better get back to my dorm, I have class tomorrow and wanted my wits about me" Sarah said: "nice to meet you, I'll see you around" I scurried back to my dorm where I had originally planned to live the rest of my life, not knowing what lay before me my first week of college.........to be continued

Chapter 2

A day or two later I get a call from Sarah on my dorm phone. Normaly it's cool when chicks call you, but not when they just met you the day prior and you only said like two things to them and you never gave them your number and they seemed a little creepy to begin with. Anyway, I humored her with conversation and she wanted me to come over to her dorm and move some furniture around or something, my memory is a little shakey as to what she actually wanted but she tried to get me over to her place is the point I am trying to make. I told her that I had a lot to do and I was wanting to get ready to go play two hand touch football with a group from the catholic campus ministry....from the bbq that I had attended earlier that week. She seemed like she understood. I thought that got rid of her but it only made the inevitable that much more inevitable.

Chapter 3

It's two hand touch football night, and I'm feeling all right. I can see there are a lot of people here to play. Let me see, oh look over there it's Matt, and who is that skinny guy...oh that's just Fred....but what about this guy that's just Justin...wait a minute I know that girl...yup why it's Sarah(dum dum dum) what is she doing here. Oh well shake it off Clint, she has just as much right to be here as anywone else. Long story short we get done with our rousing game of two hand touch and Sarah's first words to me were "MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES." "You have my attention I say" and off to her room I go. Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, "I thought you were not interested in this girl", Your right I'm not, but who can resist a line like my room smells like pickles, it was a unique situation to me. So, off to her room I go. On my way up to her room she grabs me by the hand and interlocks fingers with me, I find this odd beings I hardly know the girl, but I let the hold hands thing go to venture into her room that supposidly smelled of pickles.

Chapter 4

As it turned out her room did not smell like pickles. It was just her clever ploy to get me in her room to what I believe is rape me. While I was in her room she told me she came to college to get away from her problems back home. Aparently her best friend was in jail for murder and she was some how an accomplis or realated to this story somehow. As I told you earlier my memory is fuzzy. Anyway she called me about 5 or 6 times a day for the next few days, it got to where I was ignoring calls and making it obvious I didn't want to talk to her. By Sunday I recieved a letter that I have framed in a box and will some day share with you, that was handed to me by what I presume was her only friend. It was a letter breaking up with me as if she was my girl freind. There wer many humurouse things in this letter, but like I said when I find it I will print it out for you. I didn't even know I had a girlfiend.

Chapter 5

The whole point of this story is to let any and or all people know where the term "MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES" come from. It may have let some of you down, but rest assured it my be the most brilliant pick up line ever. It doesn't matter how creepy you are, it will get your prey in your room. Mind you all this happened within the first week or two of my first year of college. A few names we came of for Sarah was S.S. Sarah, which stand for Super Sluty Sarah, or Super Scary Sarah...both are acceptable. But the one thing I will always remember will be that catchy 100% effective pick up line......MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES