My Room Smells Like Pickles-(A True Story)

Chapter 1

The setting is Southwest Missouri State University

The year is 2000

My Name is Clint Baer and the story I'm about to tell you is true. The names and places have not changed, because I want the truth be told.

It's my first week of college, I was very underwelmed by the people and activities the school had to offer me. I tried this club, went to a bbq at some Greeks house, but still nothing sparked in me. It was like I had this void that needed to be filled. I attended some stuff that the Catholic Campus Community was sponsering, and I was attending one of their bbq's when I met "her". I was casually eating my corn on the cob when "she"(who shall be named later) introduced herself. "Hey, my name is Sarah(this is not what she will be known by later)" I responded "nice to meet you , my name is Clint". There was about a minute of awkward silence, I then said "I think I better get back to my dorm, I have class tomorrow and wanted my wits about me" Sarah said: "nice to meet you, I'll see you around" I scurried back to my dorm where I had originally planned to live the rest of my life, not knowing what lay before me my first week of college.........to be continued

Chapter 2

A day or two later I get a call from Sarah on my dorm phone. Normaly it's cool when chicks call you, but not when they just met you the day prior and you only said like two things to them and you never gave them your number and they seemed a little creepy to begin with. Anyway, I humored her with conversation and she wanted me to come over to her dorm and move some furniture around or something, my memory is a little shakey as to what she actually wanted but she tried to get me over to her place is the point I am trying to make. I told her that I had a lot to do and I was wanting to get ready to go play two hand touch football with a group from the catholic campus ministry....from the bbq that I had attended earlier that week. She seemed like she understood. I thought that got rid of her but it only made the inevitable that much more inevitable.

Chapter 3

It's two hand touch football night, and I'm feeling all right. I can see there are a lot of people here to play. Let me see, oh look over there it's Matt, and who is that skinny guy...oh that's just Fred....but what about this guy that's just Justin...wait a minute I know that girl...yup why it's Sarah(dum dum dum) what is she doing here. Oh well shake it off Clint, she has just as much right to be here as anywone else. Long story short we get done with our rousing game of two hand touch and Sarah's first words to me were "MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES." "You have my attention I say" and off to her room I go. Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, "I thought you were not interested in this girl", Your right I'm not, but who can resist a line like my room smells like pickles, it was a unique situation to me. So, off to her room I go. On my way up to her room she grabs me by the hand and interlocks fingers with me, I find this odd beings I hardly know the girl, but I let the hold hands thing go to venture into her room that supposidly smelled of pickles.

Chapter 4

As it turned out her room did not smell like pickles. It was just her clever ploy to get me in her room to what I believe is rape me. While I was in her room she told me she came to college to get away from her problems back home. Aparently her best friend was in jail for murder and she was some how an accomplis or realated to this story somehow. As I told you earlier my memory is fuzzy. Anyway she called me about 5 or 6 times a day for the next few days, it got to where I was ignoring calls and making it obvious I didn't want to talk to her. By Sunday I recieved a letter that I have framed in a box and will some day share with you, that was handed to me by what I presume was her only friend. It was a letter breaking up with me as if she was my girl freind. There wer many humurouse things in this letter, but like I said when I find it I will print it out for you. I didn't even know I had a girlfiend.

Chapter 5

The whole point of this story is to let any and or all people know where the term "MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES" come from. It may have let some of you down, but rest assured it my be the most brilliant pick up line ever. It doesn't matter how creepy you are, it will get your prey in your room. Mind you all this happened within the first week or two of my first year of college. A few names we came of for Sarah was S.S. Sarah, which stand for Super Sluty Sarah, or Super Scary Sarah...both are acceptable. But the one thing I will always remember will be that catchy 100% effective pick up line......MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES

If you like Fantasy Football Youll Get a kick Out of This

Somebody in one of my fantasy leagues posted this.......I think a lot of people can relate..

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/23c38d474b

I am Torn

I was under the impression I would never have to face this choice, but now that the X-box360 has dropped to $200 I don't know if I can pass that up. I am very playstation loyal, but at half the cost I can get a system that is just as good in the graphics and gameplay department....what should I do? I would think PS3 would drop their price, but how long will that take? A side question to all of this, is how long til these companies come out with a newer system.......somebody help me make big boy decisions....

This is Me Catering To Martin

How about those Titans. Man, I know what a lot of you are thinking....the titans suck. I'm here to tell you that the Titans are awsome. I mean seriously, who can't love a team that was once in the largest city in America, named after the largest sorce of energy in the world....only to move to a country music state, and named after people from the movie "300", oh those were spartans, close enough. Speaking of 300, I burnt that illeagaly the other day. To me a movie isn't worth watching unless it is downloaded illeagaly, the same follows suit with music. I'm getting off track, I also want it noted that the Houston Astros.....hold on I just came a little....the Houston Atros are like my fave team. That lance Berkman fella...yeah what a catch...I used to say I had a man crush for him, but fuck that, I'm totally gay for the dude and I want him to have my children. I watched Junior, and I sometimes wish that Berkman could do what Arnold did. I digress, did somebody say something about Fantasy Sports...Man am I into fantasy sports. The only thing that pisses me off, is that no matter what league I'm in, I always need to mention how I have the best team and I don't understand how I keep losing. It always gets me to the point where I threaten to leave the league or bench my players. Seriously, if it wasn't for getting outscored all the time I would be undefeated. In closing I would like to pledge alligance to the Mizzou Tigers, I love you boys, make me proud this year. I'm so glad I love the best teams in the world like Rockets, Titan, Tigers, Baers, Astros, and what ever gay soccer team that plays in europe.

WAR chewing tobacco
WAR dosequise
WAR Martin saying one positive fucking thing about my blog
WAR Martin taking care of my tickets
WAR Martin getting pregnant
WAR Martin pulling his lance jerkman
WAR Miley Cyrus

OUT

Chris Baer's Answer to the Zombie Question

Question: To Reference Zombie Question Please go to www.matthewlowrance.blogspot.com , Basically the question posed is : If you could have one sidekick and a weapon, who and what would they be to help fight zombies?

Chris Baer.....my brother............had the following answer to said question

Answer: Zeus and a stick of lipstick (Cosmetic Category: Ambrosia Twilight). Implementation of Person and Weaponry: Step 1: Sacrifice livestock and promise first born to Apollo (Archer god of Olympus), preferably a fatted animal of some kind, any kind (Except ermines. There are only so many ermines that can be blood-fucked until it starts getting ho-hum.) Step 2: After you have gained Apollo's trust, subtly bring up the fact that you have a mother who's on dialysis and she's self-conscious about her complexion under the institutional lights of the hospital, and that what she really needs is a once-over with some sort of heavy-grade cosmetic, lipstick perhaps (wink wink). Wait for Apollo to pick up on subtle hint, after which he should bring up the fact that he lives in an infinite reality where such cosmetics exits. "Oh really?" You say, playing it cool, pretending not to give a crap about such trivial matters. "Yeah," Apollo would answer. "In fact I could score you some right now. Zues's wife, Hera, has got a butt-load of Ambrosia Twilight lipstick at her pad as we speak. I could zoom back up to Olympus and score some off her right now. She owes me one, anyway. I took the fall after he caught her in bed with Hercules a few years back. It took me twenty-seven days and nights to convince that ornery fuck that I was the one that was astraddle Hercules with the tortoise-shell strap on. I had to bribe Sleep and Wind to back me up. It was embarrassing." "Whatever," you say, shrugging your shoulders, still playing it cool. Step 3: After lipstick is acquired from Apollo, break in zombie's wardrobe. Take zombie's buttoned-shirts from teakwood (Neiman Marcus grade) hangers and proceed to rub Ambrosia Twilight lipstick on the collars. Take one shirt home. Step 4: Summon Zues through more animal sacrifices and first fruits (Ermines accepted. Zues isn't picky). Once Zues is summoned, show Zues the zombie collar and inform him that it is hard to fall asleep at night because of all of the thumping and moaning coming from the downtown cemetery. Zues sees that it is Ambrosia Twilight and goes absolutely ba-fuckin-nannas. "Don't kill the messenger," you say, backing up a step. Zues doesn't even acknowledge your presence. "I've been cuckolded!" he yells. Zues zooms down to the cemetery, finds the zombie, and jams a lightning bolt the size of a 747 Boeing sideways up its ass. You lay back, crack a beer, and watch the fireworks. Your mission and is complete, and you're up one collared shirt.

Damn You Gustov

First and for most, thank god I have internet access. Due to weather conditions in my new found state...I was forced to take refuge in Little Rock Arkansas for the first 4 days. Mind you there was internet access there, but I did not find the time to use it. I trecked down to Houston, TX where I had to use my phone for the internet, I was in Texas for two days. When I got the clear to head over to Lafayette where we finally got power back. Upon going back to work, I was going to catch up on all my internet goings on, but the computers were down at work. This brings me to now....now I'm home and on a computer that works. My body is going through many emotions right now. I feel very privilaged to be on the internet right now. I know it was only a week, but it felt like an eternity . The point of me giving a run down of my beings with out the internet is to confirm that I don't know if I can ever live without it, when I'm lonely it's there, when I need a quick pick me up it is there, when I need to waste time at work because I have nothing else to do...it's there, but it is the time that we take the internet for granted that it stirs up a hurricane and makes ones life internet less. Please internet don't let Ike take you from me like that son of a bitch Gustov.......which I'm prettey sure is a mexican hurricane.....now Ikes a tough call, he's a black hurricane and might just give up and quit, on account of the lazyness. Anyhoo, I'm back and ready to start putting some posts up on the board...I'm falling behind. Things to come, the story behind "my room smells like pickles" and that hum dinger of a zombie question from my friend Matt. OUT