When Life Hands You Lemons

I really have had nothing to write about lately. I keep seeing my brother post magical, fantastical things(e.g. Charles Dickandnuts P.H.D.), and I have nothing. I really didn't think this blog stuff through. I didn't realize how little I had to say.....mmmm. What to talk about? What's going on in my life......oh I remember....none of my friends called me on my birthday. My birthday is the day that I burst out of my mothers vagina. I remember as if it were yesterday. Sometimes, when I'm looking at porn(which is rare) I often gander at the soft, suptle lips of a ladies vagina and birthday memories come flashing to me. To think that I burst into this world through one of those vaginas. I thank God, when I get the chance, that I was born vaganally and not by cesarian(which is the gay way to be born). I really pity cesarian babies, because when they watch porn they can never have birthday memories. They need to watch a slasher film, or a stomach staple operation to have a flash back of their day of birth.......fags. Anyway, I'm losing my train of thought...where was I......oh yeah....when life hands you lemons....no not their yet...my moms vag "j" "j"....wait I better quit while I'm ahead. Here's the kicker to my story, when life hands you lemons make lemonade. Also, post note, that I came out of a vagina, and sucked on tit milk when I was born. All on the first day of life. Pretty amazying stuff. Namely don't forget the lemonade advice though, everything else was just filler.

It's Time to Pick a Movie...Oh Joy

Every year around this time I get a chance to make my friends watch a movie that they would more than likely never watch in their entire lives. I like to watch bad horror movies, but as it turns out not everyone shares this passion of mine. This year I will be choosing a movie from a list that I found on the web. If anyone feels like commenting...speak now or forever hold your peace.

They're Here

FAN IT UP

I can't possibly be anymore excited about my beloved Hornets than this year. They arguably have the best starting line up in the league with CP3(best point in the league), Peja(purest shooter in the league), David West(possibly the most important person to the team other than CP3), Tyson Chandler (got him from Chicago and has paid dividends, I believe he lead the league in offensive rebounds last year), and rounding out the starting five will either be Morris Peterson(aquired from the Raptors last year) and or Posey (aquired from the Celtics this year) both make a solid start at the 2 spot.

The only thing that worries me is their bench, they had a shakey bench last year and another one this year. Well I guess it's more a shallow bench than a shakey one. Their biggest bench contributor from last year was Jenero Pargo who went on to play ball in europe this year. A few standout bench players are Mike James(solid back up for CP3, but no Pargo) Julian Write (arguably the most athletic player on the team).....they really don't have much backing up Chandler or West....if one of those guys goes down the hornets would be in big trouble.

All in all I feel they have a competive edge this year with their youth and talent. If they don't win the championship this year than I beleive they will be in contention for years to come. One thing I know for sure is they are going to put on a show. CP3 and Chandler led the league by far with alley oops, and if that's not entertaining enough then let CP3 dazel you with his "skill", or David West play the 4 spot how it should be played with one of the most accurate mid range jumpers as well as some of the most powerful post up moves in the game. The scary thing about Chris Paul is that he isn't even fully developed as a player(he's 23). I can't even imagine him at the peak of his career. This year they have more games being televised than probably the last 5 or more years combined...I have no proof of this, but as a fan I don't remember their games getting televised....at least not since Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning left the team.

In any case..if your not a fan of the NBA then I encourage you to watch a game or two this year, it's one huge sports soap opera and I love it. I feel like I am in third grade again which is when I got into the Hornets. I admit the league had been in a lull, but I really believe they have cleaned up the game quite a bit, and there are stars again as well as a ton of rivalry games. To me there is no other league more entertaining than the NBA.

Quick Movie Reviews

As I get ready to head towards Gaylord Michigan, I am thinking to myself "self, I might not make it back". So in the event that this is indeed my last blog, I would like it to be something people can remember me by........and that is with some quick movie reviews...in case you get bored and want to watch a movie this weekend. You all can think had Clint not given his life up for a trip to Gaylord Michigan, then I probably would have never watched "to be named movie". So, here we go, my quick to the point movie reviews...

1)Death Race
If your the type of person that takes movies literally and can't suspend reality then this movie isn't for you. If you like hard action, cars, violence then this movie is for you. This would not be a waste of time if you only had a few hours to live.

2)Ritiouse Kill
You would think with a killer cast this movie is a can't miss. You would be wrong. If I was about to die and watched this movie, I probably would have died at some point in the movie from boredom. Probably within the first 15 minutes. Do not waste your time with this movie.

3)Burn After Reading
I'm not saying just anyone is going to like this movies. But, if you like the Cowen brothers, which I do, then more than likely you will love this movie. Some of you might be disappointed with their last movie, namely for the ending, but this ending is a must see and might be their best ending to any movie they have made. I will go as far as to say that the ending might be one of the best ever. I for one am glad I took time out of my life before my death to watch this movie.

4)American Carol
I went in already leaning to the right, and thought this movie was a can't miss. I was wrong, the humor was lame, the points were kind of a stretch.....it's kind of hard for me to recommend this movie when Bill Oreilly is the funniest thing in it. But since I lean to the right I will say beyond a shadow of a doubt this is the best most funny movie of the year. A must see before anyone dies. In fact I will go on a limb and say you can't get through the pearly gates without watching this movie.

5)Eagle Eye
I would like to give an accurate review of this movie but I kept falling in and out of sleep. If you watch this movie, you will probably say to yourself "man I should watch Death Race" So, you should probably save yourself the regret and watch death race. Don't take that as me not recomending this movie, which I'm not, take it as me saying that Death Race is awsome, which I am. What movie am I reviewing, oh yeah Eagle Eye, it's watchable....probably better wait til dvd or dollar theater, but if you think you might die on a trip to Gaylord Michagan watch it before the trip and pay a full ticket price.

Well, I'm hope this helps everyone decide what to waste your valuable time. I hope I make it back from Gaylord Michigan.......I can't believe I'm going to Gaylord Michigan......hell yeah I'm buying a shirt.

My Room Smells Like Pickles-(A True Story)

Chapter 1

The setting is Southwest Missouri State University

The year is 2000

My Name is Clint Baer and the story I'm about to tell you is true. The names and places have not changed, because I want the truth be told.

It's my first week of college, I was very underwelmed by the people and activities the school had to offer me. I tried this club, went to a bbq at some Greeks house, but still nothing sparked in me. It was like I had this void that needed to be filled. I attended some stuff that the Catholic Campus Community was sponsering, and I was attending one of their bbq's when I met "her". I was casually eating my corn on the cob when "she"(who shall be named later) introduced herself. "Hey, my name is Sarah(this is not what she will be known by later)" I responded "nice to meet you , my name is Clint". There was about a minute of awkward silence, I then said "I think I better get back to my dorm, I have class tomorrow and wanted my wits about me" Sarah said: "nice to meet you, I'll see you around" I scurried back to my dorm where I had originally planned to live the rest of my life, not knowing what lay before me my first week of college.........to be continued

Chapter 2

A day or two later I get a call from Sarah on my dorm phone. Normaly it's cool when chicks call you, but not when they just met you the day prior and you only said like two things to them and you never gave them your number and they seemed a little creepy to begin with. Anyway, I humored her with conversation and she wanted me to come over to her dorm and move some furniture around or something, my memory is a little shakey as to what she actually wanted but she tried to get me over to her place is the point I am trying to make. I told her that I had a lot to do and I was wanting to get ready to go play two hand touch football with a group from the catholic campus ministry....from the bbq that I had attended earlier that week. She seemed like she understood. I thought that got rid of her but it only made the inevitable that much more inevitable.

Chapter 3

It's two hand touch football night, and I'm feeling all right. I can see there are a lot of people here to play. Let me see, oh look over there it's Matt, and who is that skinny guy...oh that's just Fred....but what about this guy that's just Justin...wait a minute I know that girl...yup why it's Sarah(dum dum dum) what is she doing here. Oh well shake it off Clint, she has just as much right to be here as anywone else. Long story short we get done with our rousing game of two hand touch and Sarah's first words to me were "MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES." "You have my attention I say" and off to her room I go. Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, "I thought you were not interested in this girl", Your right I'm not, but who can resist a line like my room smells like pickles, it was a unique situation to me. So, off to her room I go. On my way up to her room she grabs me by the hand and interlocks fingers with me, I find this odd beings I hardly know the girl, but I let the hold hands thing go to venture into her room that supposidly smelled of pickles.

Chapter 4

As it turned out her room did not smell like pickles. It was just her clever ploy to get me in her room to what I believe is rape me. While I was in her room she told me she came to college to get away from her problems back home. Aparently her best friend was in jail for murder and she was some how an accomplis or realated to this story somehow. As I told you earlier my memory is fuzzy. Anyway she called me about 5 or 6 times a day for the next few days, it got to where I was ignoring calls and making it obvious I didn't want to talk to her. By Sunday I recieved a letter that I have framed in a box and will some day share with you, that was handed to me by what I presume was her only friend. It was a letter breaking up with me as if she was my girl freind. There wer many humurouse things in this letter, but like I said when I find it I will print it out for you. I didn't even know I had a girlfiend.

Chapter 5

The whole point of this story is to let any and or all people know where the term "MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES" come from. It may have let some of you down, but rest assured it my be the most brilliant pick up line ever. It doesn't matter how creepy you are, it will get your prey in your room. Mind you all this happened within the first week or two of my first year of college. A few names we came of for Sarah was S.S. Sarah, which stand for Super Sluty Sarah, or Super Scary Sarah...both are acceptable. But the one thing I will always remember will be that catchy 100% effective pick up line......MY ROOM SMELLS LIKE PICKLES

If you like Fantasy Football Youll Get a kick Out of This

Somebody in one of my fantasy leagues posted this.......I think a lot of people can relate..

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/23c38d474b

I am Torn

I was under the impression I would never have to face this choice, but now that the X-box360 has dropped to $200 I don't know if I can pass that up. I am very playstation loyal, but at half the cost I can get a system that is just as good in the graphics and gameplay department....what should I do? I would think PS3 would drop their price, but how long will that take? A side question to all of this, is how long til these companies come out with a newer system.......somebody help me make big boy decisions....

This is Me Catering To Martin

How about those Titans. Man, I know what a lot of you are thinking....the titans suck. I'm here to tell you that the Titans are awsome. I mean seriously, who can't love a team that was once in the largest city in America, named after the largest sorce of energy in the world....only to move to a country music state, and named after people from the movie "300", oh those were spartans, close enough. Speaking of 300, I burnt that illeagaly the other day. To me a movie isn't worth watching unless it is downloaded illeagaly, the same follows suit with music. I'm getting off track, I also want it noted that the Houston Astros.....hold on I just came a little....the Houston Atros are like my fave team. That lance Berkman fella...yeah what a catch...I used to say I had a man crush for him, but fuck that, I'm totally gay for the dude and I want him to have my children. I watched Junior, and I sometimes wish that Berkman could do what Arnold did. I digress, did somebody say something about Fantasy Sports...Man am I into fantasy sports. The only thing that pisses me off, is that no matter what league I'm in, I always need to mention how I have the best team and I don't understand how I keep losing. It always gets me to the point where I threaten to leave the league or bench my players. Seriously, if it wasn't for getting outscored all the time I would be undefeated. In closing I would like to pledge alligance to the Mizzou Tigers, I love you boys, make me proud this year. I'm so glad I love the best teams in the world like Rockets, Titan, Tigers, Baers, Astros, and what ever gay soccer team that plays in europe.

WAR chewing tobacco
WAR dosequise
WAR Martin saying one positive fucking thing about my blog
WAR Martin taking care of my tickets
WAR Martin getting pregnant
WAR Martin pulling his lance jerkman
WAR Miley Cyrus

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Chris Baer's Answer to the Zombie Question

Question: To Reference Zombie Question Please go to www.matthewlowrance.blogspot.com , Basically the question posed is : If you could have one sidekick and a weapon, who and what would they be to help fight zombies?

Chris Baer.....my brother............had the following answer to said question

Answer: Zeus and a stick of lipstick (Cosmetic Category: Ambrosia Twilight). Implementation of Person and Weaponry: Step 1: Sacrifice livestock and promise first born to Apollo (Archer god of Olympus), preferably a fatted animal of some kind, any kind (Except ermines. There are only so many ermines that can be blood-fucked until it starts getting ho-hum.) Step 2: After you have gained Apollo's trust, subtly bring up the fact that you have a mother who's on dialysis and she's self-conscious about her complexion under the institutional lights of the hospital, and that what she really needs is a once-over with some sort of heavy-grade cosmetic, lipstick perhaps (wink wink). Wait for Apollo to pick up on subtle hint, after which he should bring up the fact that he lives in an infinite reality where such cosmetics exits. "Oh really?" You say, playing it cool, pretending not to give a crap about such trivial matters. "Yeah," Apollo would answer. "In fact I could score you some right now. Zues's wife, Hera, has got a butt-load of Ambrosia Twilight lipstick at her pad as we speak. I could zoom back up to Olympus and score some off her right now. She owes me one, anyway. I took the fall after he caught her in bed with Hercules a few years back. It took me twenty-seven days and nights to convince that ornery fuck that I was the one that was astraddle Hercules with the tortoise-shell strap on. I had to bribe Sleep and Wind to back me up. It was embarrassing." "Whatever," you say, shrugging your shoulders, still playing it cool. Step 3: After lipstick is acquired from Apollo, break in zombie's wardrobe. Take zombie's buttoned-shirts from teakwood (Neiman Marcus grade) hangers and proceed to rub Ambrosia Twilight lipstick on the collars. Take one shirt home. Step 4: Summon Zues through more animal sacrifices and first fruits (Ermines accepted. Zues isn't picky). Once Zues is summoned, show Zues the zombie collar and inform him that it is hard to fall asleep at night because of all of the thumping and moaning coming from the downtown cemetery. Zues sees that it is Ambrosia Twilight and goes absolutely ba-fuckin-nannas. "Don't kill the messenger," you say, backing up a step. Zues doesn't even acknowledge your presence. "I've been cuckolded!" he yells. Zues zooms down to the cemetery, finds the zombie, and jams a lightning bolt the size of a 747 Boeing sideways up its ass. You lay back, crack a beer, and watch the fireworks. Your mission and is complete, and you're up one collared shirt.

Damn You Gustov

First and for most, thank god I have internet access. Due to weather conditions in my new found state...I was forced to take refuge in Little Rock Arkansas for the first 4 days. Mind you there was internet access there, but I did not find the time to use it. I trecked down to Houston, TX where I had to use my phone for the internet, I was in Texas for two days. When I got the clear to head over to Lafayette where we finally got power back. Upon going back to work, I was going to catch up on all my internet goings on, but the computers were down at work. This brings me to now....now I'm home and on a computer that works. My body is going through many emotions right now. I feel very privilaged to be on the internet right now. I know it was only a week, but it felt like an eternity . The point of me giving a run down of my beings with out the internet is to confirm that I don't know if I can ever live without it, when I'm lonely it's there, when I need a quick pick me up it is there, when I need to waste time at work because I have nothing else to do...it's there, but it is the time that we take the internet for granted that it stirs up a hurricane and makes ones life internet less. Please internet don't let Ike take you from me like that son of a bitch Gustov.......which I'm prettey sure is a mexican hurricane.....now Ikes a tough call, he's a black hurricane and might just give up and quit, on account of the lazyness. Anyhoo, I'm back and ready to start putting some posts up on the board...I'm falling behind. Things to come, the story behind "my room smells like pickles" and that hum dinger of a zombie question from my friend Matt. OUT

Go USA

This is the time to stand up and say, yeah I'm proud to be an american. Phelps is making us proud, the redeem team is tearing things up, the sand volley ball girls are hot until facial close ups, and lest we forget we still can't win a friggin game of soccer. These are the things as of lately that make me say "hey man....I'm american and I'm proud as hell"..............this counts as a post by the way.

A note to animals

I am here to bring justice in the world for all. Society(and law) tells us that we can't have sex in public, with animals, with anyone 17 and under, without consent....and yet we are letting our animals run wild with their vaginas and weiners. I can't count how many times a dog has raped my leg, and what is the penalty for this offense.....a "NO", and we all forget what happened to my leg. I have seen a fish jack off on eggs in public a plethera of times without one person saying a thing. Is this the society I live in, a society that lets animals rub there suxuallity all up in our faces. No sir, I am standing up to all animals, and I say they should all be put through the same oppression as anyone else. I can't tell you how many hampsters I have lost to unplanned pregnencies. We need to edgucate these animals on the power of sex and the consiquences that come with it. If we don't then who will. I am off my soap box for now, I just felt this is something that had to be said. I don't know what the solution is, sex ed videos, animal condoms,.....I don't know, but at the very least could we make beastiality leagal....with age regulations and consent of course(I'm not sick like that). It's just not fair to me that they get to get all the hot stuff without judgement and we as humans are left wanting more. Let us all stand up and ask......what ever happened to equality for all?

My Veiw on The Current Election

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Adjusting to new sports talk radio

This is my first blog so I hope this posts all right. Any of you who are reading this know me and know that I'm in Louisiana. Here in Lafayette we have basically one sports station on a.m. radio. It's an espn station, but for 24 hours it's loacal talk radio. This is the worst talk radio I have ever listened to in my life. That being said, I find it very entertaining that people could be so retarded. I am used to the biased callers, being from MO with the cheif fans, but saints fans bring it to a whole nother level. Let me give you an example of a biased saints fan.

Caller: Do you think with our team, if they did just a little better than last year....we could get that ring?
Host: No, with out a doubt no. They need a great defense, and they lack that.
Caller: Wouldn't you say their defense is mediocer.
Host: yes
Caller: And you still don't think they have a shot.
Host: not a chance in hell
Caller: aaaaa I don't think so, other than the cowboys.....I don't see who could give them a run for their money

A lot of the humor in this call is the cajun, or in this case coon ass accent with a slight case of tardness. One fan did give me a new perspective on the farve situation

Caller: I've got a cure for this Farve sitiation
HOst: Ok, what you got?
Caller: All they have to do is trade him to the falcons, and he won't want to go and he will just go back into retirement
HOst: I don't think farve would do that
Caller: He doesn't have a choice, there is no trade clause in his contract.
Host: That would go against everything I have heard in the media
Caller: In fact no player has a trade clause, because that's how the players union set up this whole thing. There for they should just trade him to the falcons end of subject
Host: Well, like I said, the media states other wise
Caller: Well, everyone in the media is wrong, because no player can have a trade clause

Again, delivery would help animate better the humor in their talk radio. I never thought I would miss listening to a chiefs fan on the radio, but at least they are less retarded, and more realistic. I can say for a fact that I learned something new about myself today, I hate saints fan.

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